New Conservative Dictionary

My fellow conservative activists have spent the past few weeks doing some very effective redefinition. "Nuclear option," the term liberals used to defeat a Bush-era plan to get rid of the filibuster, is now being applied to "reconciliation." Obviously, "reconciliation" is too nice a term for the parliamentary disaster that would occur. "Nuclear option" is a much better term. I'd like to add my own two cents and suggest the following redefinitions as a much better way to communicate clearly with ordinary, patriotic, commonsense Americans.

War: This term has gained far too much negative publicity in the past few years. As a replacement, I would suggest international altercations.

Insurance: The liberal assault on insurance companies has caused a dearth of trust in these vital American institutions. I would recommend that insurance companies recast themselves as disaster relief companies.

Unemployment: Referring to those who lack employment as the unemployed makes people forget that the blame must ultimately lie with the person who is out of the job. (After all, the market always acts in the best of all possible ways.) Thus, unemployment should now be referred to as willful vagrancy.

Economic downturn: This term suggests that the recession could (somehow) be the fault of "economic" forces or of the "economy." Instead, it should be called the American reaction to socialist policies.

Corporations: The American reaction to socialist policies has, for some reason, caused a distaste for corporations. This was evidenced by the American public's irrational anger at the Supreme Court for Citizens United. (After all, corporations are more likely to speak in favor of the little guy than government.) Corporations should begin calling themselves the only way a poor schmuck like you is ever going to earn a living. It's a bit long, yes, but early studies show that it will quickly catch on.

Dick Cheney: Richard Cheney. Or even Rich Cheney. I mean, this one is just obvious.

Iraq: Few Americans know how to pronounce this, and it just leads to confusion, anger, and ridicule. Instead, we should start referring to it as Narnia. It will be much easier for our constituents to remember, and it'll even help educate them about the history of our international altercation in that country. Narnia is now a land at peace ever since Aslan W. Bush banished the Evil White Witch, Saddam Hussein.

Social Security: This program obviously does the opposite of "social security" by leading America ever more quickly down the path towards the Communist rule of Adolf Hitler. It could be known more aptly as Program Designed By Liberals To Bankrupt Our Children (PDBLTBOC).

Finally, Guantanamo Detainees: This term reinforces the idea that we will someday be releasing these terrorists, since "detainee" means "temporary" to many Americans. This expectation will soon build into a bothersome movement. However, we don't want people to think that they're being treated badly or not enjoying their stay on our island resort. I propose that they henceforth be known as Permanent Guests at Guantanamo by the Bay.

This messaging will take everyone's assistance. Spread the word, and comment if you think of any other terms which the liberals have used to mislead the American public about conservative values.